Forgiveness, that heavy and at-once light word. The paradox of dark and light that is the puzzle of those who are in the throes of needing to give it and the delight and effervescence of those who have given it or received it. From the small to the intensely devastating, forgiveness touches us all. There is no one who can escape the need for it and the need to give it.
We all can immediately think of a particular instance where we did wrong to someone and the intense gut wrench that we felt after the event. The hard pit in the stomach and lack of sleep, tossing and turning in unrest until we made it right. What about when we are on the receiving end of an offense? Still the same pit in the stomach, the awkward encounters with the offender, the possible burning rage, sadness, or bitterness.
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The Forgiveness Path
The Voice in the Car
I was driving down the freeway on a clear afternoon, many months into a devastating betrayal and heartbreak. My heart was nursing this wound like a mother to a newborn. Tears involuntarily sprang to my eyes at the most inopportune moment. Just breathing was the supreme effort each day. This particular afternoon, while driving, I was confusedly going around and around in my mind in disbelief of the offense done to me.
My mind finally stated, “I cannot ever forgive this person for what they did!” in a bold statement of finality. Even as the thought passed my mind, I realized just how exhausted I had become from subconsciously taking this stance. My body was beginning to break down and my health fall apart. The body cannot hold up too long under such intensity and isn’t meant to.
Immediately, I heard an audible deep voice slightly behind me calmly ask, “Why?” It stopped me up short in the train wreck that was my thoughts. It must’ve looked odd to be in the car behind me, judging from the swerve. For some deep spiritual reason, I knew I was having an unusual conversation with God in a way I had never experienced before. I sputtered indignantly, clearly looking like a crazy person talking to myself, “How can you even ask? You know what this person did!”
The Silence of the “Penny Dropping”
Immediate silence. Heavy meaningful silence. The enormity of that silence was like a tidal wave. If I had learned even one iota of the value and significance of what God had done for me on the cross, the fullest I had ever recognized this gift hit me like a ton of bricks in the car that day.
All I could say, in return was, “How? I honestly don’t know HOW to forgive something this huge and important. I know the word forgive and that we need to do it but how do you practically DO it and not just mouth the words?”
“Yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.” Proverbs 2:3-5 ESV
In that very moment, the time spent being mentally harassed by this offense melted away and warmth spread through my torso. Where it had felt like a cold wasteland in my gut and heart, became relaxed with a sigh of relief. The flood gates of tears for a different reason, the intense release of pent up rage and hurt and injustice changing to the soft mellow crying like a warm summer rain. A healing began.
The Healer Creator and Human Limits of Forgiveness
God speaks directly on forgiveness of our offenses in many verses in the Bible, one clear example:
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9 ESV
He also clearly states a command to give forgiveness. Not a request or a suggestion, but a command:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:12-14 ESV
To withhold true forgiveness (not just mouth speak) is to take the offense done to us and then claim a return offense and sin of our own doing. God cannot bless us while we are actively and willfully choosing the way of sin. We become no better and worse than the offender. An open relationship with God is hindered.
“So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” James 4:17 ESV
““I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. ” Isaiah 43:25 ESV
He is God and able to forgive and just as importantly forget. Because we are not God, it is physically impossible for our brains to forget. So, how does a person carry out forgiveness when the memory of the offense pops up unbidden and makes us upset all over again. How can we even call that healing to constantly be mulling over something we are trying to “forgive”? God wouldn’t ask me to do something I can’t even do, right? Who ever said you couldn’t? You, that’s who.
According to Rabbi Sobel, when Peter was asking Jesus just how many times he should forgive, Jesus answered a very significant number: 70 x7.0 Why? The total is 490. Did you know that the Hebrew alphanumeric value of 490 correlates with the word tamim. Tamim means complete, perfect, or finished. 490 also correlated with 1 Kings 8:61 “Let your heart therefore be perfect with the Lord our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day.” KJV
What followed in my car conversation with God was a simple 3 step road of forgiveness. Read on for the action steps to physically forgive.
Drive That Stake of Forgiveness into the Ground
” I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on your laws.” Psalm 119:30 NIV
The very first step in physically carrying out forgiveness is to mark the exact second you have chosen to forgive and “draw a line in the sand”. From that second on, you have sworn an oath before God that you will extend forgiveness. The act of forgiving begins with the decision to do it. There is no returning after this point. You have now entered into warrior training on the brain, mouth, and heart.
To Speak or Not to Speak?
The second step is to know that the oath you have just made is practically carried out in two ways: with the mouth and the body. From this moment forward, you are under a new oath, the grievance will no longer pass your lips outside of the law and the help you need such as counseling. It will not be spoken of in the heat of an argument, in the gossip mill, or with your dearest friend for rehashing. It will not be drug out in a fit of “histrionics”- ladies, you know what I mean. The offense is no more.
Note: this does not refer to speaking of the consequences of the offense, just the offense itself. Your lips are sealed outside of the necessary help. To speak of it again would be to withdraw your forgiveness, making you the offender now. Notice that the offense in the beginning of this article was not specified or elaborated on, just the aftermath and the car conversation.
I am fully aware that it is very easy to write and tell others to do this, but is eons harder to do in practice. This will at times be the toughest split second decision and temptation you will need to face for awhile. If you mouth begins to speak of it, physically shut it immediately mid-sentence and do an about face. This is a matter of your personal honor so don’t disappoint yourself and God.
If you do mess up, God is faithful so get back into the training and do better the next time. Obviously, you would need to speak of it in counseling, getting wise counsel, or in a court of law. These are a very few people and even in those situations we don’t stay there but move forward.
Brain Ruts
Science now confirms that the more we cogitate and think on something, the stronger it will be our default. Neurons and pathways are added to that memory “tree” and the nerve branch becomes stronger and bigger. Ruts are made into brain matter that we will naturally fall into with our thoughts. By mulling over and over a past experience and offense, we give it credit and permission to actually change our brain. This power over brain plasticity that it can wield can grow to alarming measures if left untrained and unchecked. It can match the definition of an idol. An idol is anything that consumes your attention and mind and pulls you away from God and your relationship with Him.
The reverse also holds true of those pathways and thoughts that are not called to mind or repeatedly thought on. Those pathways shrivel and become more difficult to access. Different ruts are put in place and the brain changes and adapts. This new discovery of brain plasticity confirms that we don’t have to stay where we are in our thoughts and are not a prisoner to them. Puts a whole new spin on God’s command below doesn’t it?
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 NIV
There are scientific reasons behind what and why the God of the universe tells us we should do.
The Forgiveness Walk
The third step in the action of forgiving is to physically forgive. This step actually precedes the second step of watching your mouth by addressing thoughts as they begin in the mind. The second the offense creeps into your thoughts, do a physical about-face and manually remove yourself from the physical position you are in and quickly seek out an action that requires your mind to be on task for that purpose.
For example: in the past when I was sitting doing some reflecting and the offense bull-nosed it’s way into my thoughts out of the blue, I physically stood up like I’d been stung by a bee. High tailing it to my fun and lively friend’s apartment for distraction was the ticket. I can’t concentrate on both things at the same time. It took a bit, but I forced my mind into submission. Reading crafting pattern directions is a good idea, reading over homeschool for the next day, learning a new language, calling someone on the phone and asking how their day is. Being at work and busy, working on a project that requires concentration.
Things that may not help in this scenario: going for a walk alone, getting on an exercise machine without a mental distraction component, doing anything automatic that frees up the mind. Your goal this time is to NOT free up the mind. Reaching for the Bible and meditating on what is says is always a great idea as long as you don’t use it as an excuse to mull over the offense and lookup all the verses that pertain to the offense. If you can’t make your mind submit by your choice of options, try something else.
The Forgiveness walk is physically moving your hands, arms, body to turn your mind from crossing the line in the sand. Be prepared with some ideas because you are most definitely going to be needing them.
How Long Is this Going to Hurt?
I am writing this article twenty two years after the date of my car conversation with God. It took many years (approx. 10 years) of actively shutting my mouth and doing the physical forgiveness about-face in order for me to arrive at the final heart forgiveness. Over the years, my need to be so proactive on walking out my decision to forgive slowly trickled to nothing many years ago.
I can with complete and absolute honesty say that I have followed what God has commanded and given forgiveness where required. There is no tenseness, anger, sadness, or bitterness towards that person. I simply don’t even think of it anymore. That is the closest to forgiving and forgetting a human can get. My path has been full of joy, blessing, and fulfillment in greater quantity then I could’ve picked for myself.
The reason this has popped up now, twenty two years later, is not a sense of mulling over the offense but remembering the positive forgiveness journey and to impart HOW to walk the forgiveness and not just say it with your mouth. There are many people bowed low under the intense strain and burden of forgiveness un-given. Health, joy, fulfillment are elusive and desperately needed. God created us to be in a better state then this. He desires us to be in a closer relationship with Him. He does not desire to leave us in this state of being and doesn’t leave us there if we are willing to hear and reach out to Him.
The Road of True Forgiveness
In conclusion, the living out of true forgiveness:
- Begin with a decision, an oath to God.
- Rein in your mouth. Be the master of your words and never speak of the offense again outside the very few appropriate persons if needed.
- Physically move your body to a new position. Your body is in training to discipline the mind.
- The mind will submit and nerve pathways will be forced and re-enforced into the correct path.
- What your head and body now knows will travel to your heart where forgiveness can abide and flourish.
This 3 pronged- forgiveness walk is my default for actively forgiving whenever the need arises. I don’t have to wonder how to do it anymore and the relief of knowing HOW to forgive is huge. The peace and freedom that comes from God’s command to forgive is immeasurable. That long ago car conversation lesson from God in His infinite wisdom and His written word is one of the most important I have ever learned in my walk to be more like Christ. How much more love He has for each of us then I could ever imagine.
For further help on specific guided mental practice on taking charge of your brain’s ability to adapt, check out Dr. Caroline Leaf’s book: Switch on Your Brain, The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health, 2015
If you enjoyed this article, please comment which Bible verse speaks to you. We love to hear what God’s word is doing in your life.
References:
The Rock, The Road, and The Rabbi by Kathie Lee Gifford and Rabbi Jason Sobel
NIV, ESV, and KJV Bible
such an insightful article, I cant choose which bible verse struck me but reading them all Im trying to digest and understand the message,
I’m glad the verses spoke to you in the article. May God bless you with what He would have for you.
This message is wonderful. Such great and insightful lessons.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and giving feedback. Hope you get some blessing from it;)